Regrets ~~

 

Do you think he wanted to go that way?

Or any way at all?

 

It came as quite a shock. The call at 10am on Mothers’ Day. A bright and cheerful Sunday shattered by the broken voice of my nephew saying he regretted to inform me that my brother (his Father) passed away last night. In his sleep. That the Police were there. That no one knew the cause of death.

I stared stupidly at the phone.

The news was impossible. Just Impossible.

I mean he was just 59 years old. Our birthday was just 3 weeks away.

We just exchanged emails and Facebook messages yesterday .. his last being something about putting down his work on sewer project emails to go outside – into the sunshine.

 

Then the second reaction set in.

My brother. Twin brother. Same genes. He’s dead.. I could be dead any second too.

Wow. I sure hadn’t planned on that ..or this. I mean, I haven’t done half of what I wanted to do in life.

And now it’s over?

 

Maybe I should publish something right away.

Let people know that time is running out.

That there is no tomorrow.

That it’s over .. that whatever petty things took up .. or wasted your day – that’s it wasted –

They just don’t matter at all.

 

But who would believe me?

Regrets? What are you talking about?!

Achievements in your life? Who cares!

We’re too busy with (this, that) to worry about whether or not I’ll drop dead in my sleep.

And besides, there’s plenty of time to get to do whatever I want to do.

Or so they’d say to me anyway.

 

 

The Record

 

Maybe that’s the real problem I have.

There’s no real record of what he did during his life.

No stone tablets; no gravestones after the cremation and ash scattering – supposedly in the Atlantic—

No large edifices bearing his name, nothing in the record books other than his election as CMA Man of the year in year 2000 (or was it 2002?) .. something that will get lost when his industry finally closes up .. and their website goes dark and silent.

 

I must do what I can .. since he can’t.

I hurriedly updated the genealogy of the family, un-privatized his information, and published two updated family trees on Rootsweb and MyFamily.com. This gives a chance that the information might be picked up by LDS or other reputable genealogy services and retained in their records and … well; it’s something anyway.

 

But what else? And what about me?

It’s been a few weeks now.

I took the expected approaches. Quit smoking. A no-fat diet. Shed 10 pounds. More outside time. Some moderate exercise; although I still haven’t made it around the entire golf course because it’s rained every single day since he died.

 

Passports have been renewed – or at least applied for; so we might be able to travel .. somewhere.

Pensions have started from GE. New radios have been bought .. on the basis that I will deny myself nothing from now on. No more saving 20% of what I earn and husbanding every nickel. I mean .. for what?

 

But none of these things leaves that permanent record; that everyone wants to leave.

 

Sure there’s facts. Don was a Customer Service Expert at Readers’ Digest and at Christian Science Monitor for years; until they somehow canned him. He ended up in a small fulfillment firm.. fulfillment being one of those businesses I guess that keeps the computer files used to generate the mailing labels for magazines and such-not. He went to school at Horace Greely; college at Miami. Scoutmaster. Rotary. One of the toastmaster guys at the Yorktown Elks for years. One of the funniest guys I know – although he was sort of less funny after he took the pledge and went with AA back in 1992.

 

And what about me?

At least I’m writing something down about my feelings.

Maybe that’s a step. But I don’t have much of a record either.

Just Google me and besides amateur radio all that appears is my successful defense of shareowner litigation against Diagnostek back in the late 1990’s The Court ruling that ‘puffery’ – a new legal concept related to boasting about your Company – was not in and of itself illegal.

 

But is that the record I want to have?

 

And don’t give me the children and kids tale. Let them make their own records.

And this is from the guy who started the family genealogies for both – maybe all – sides of the families.

 

Blog?

 

So an on-line public blog or diary?

No, not my style. I prefer to tale my time and vent on occasion but in a narrative of my own choosing a speed.

I have my own website at http://www.w1wab.com/.

I’ll just publish a ‘regrets.htm’ page every once in a while… and maybe help myself

Figure out where I’m going.

Maybe just think about where I have been.

 

Regrets?

I guess not.